The Power to Stop

H.W.L. Poonja, also known as Papaji, gave his student Gangaji a very simple yet profound teaching. Ganagji then, passed this teaching on to the world. The valuable and straightforward instruction was this: Stop.

At first glance this doesn’t seem like much, but the simple act of stopping has the power to thoroughly transform your reality.

To stop will bring stillness, openness, and calm. Stopping envelopes you in the grace of Awareness, which then allows you to see that you are not limited to the simple, single body, but are infinitely expansive and flowing through time and space. It allows you to see, viscerally feel, and know that the concept that you simply and only are a body was a lie perpetuated by our culture and society. Instead, you flow, exquisitely and boundlessly. You come to know that you are the vast sea of Awareness which animates the entire cosmos.

To simply heed the call to stop, for a moment: to stop searching, to stop looking, to stop striving to be perfect, to stop searching for the right spiritual practice that will finally perfect you enough to bring you to “enlightenment,” to stop looking for one more spiritual book to read, one more spiritual teacher to follow, will bring upon you a sublime benediction from Awareness, allowing you to see that you already are perfect, whole, complete, and awake. Or, even more simply and truly put, there is nothing here to be perfect, whole, complete, or awake. What is sought, is already here. Nothing needs to be done to find anything and, truly, ultimately, there is no one here to find anything. This whole idea of “Me” and “You” is a fiction created during childhood, perpetuated by our culture and countless story after story during our lifetime.

Therefore, I echo Papaji and Gangaji’s heed, and ask you to stop, just for few moments. Stop and know that you are enough. You are that for which you are searching. Stop and know you are all of this and nothing. Just simply stop and allow the grace and benediction of Beingness descend upon you. Stop.

/by

Encounters with Ketamine

I have suffered from major depressive disorder and anxiety for 22 years, since I was 18 years old. For the most part, I have managed to keep it under control. They have their cycles where they rear their heads and ask for attention, then die down and I regain my life again. While they are active, they are such horrible demons. Awful, terrible diseases to deal with. I feel like I am fighting a war within myself, within my mind. It’s such a struggle. Since November of this last year (2017) I have been dealing with the most virulent, crippling depression and anxiety of my life. And despite my most ardent attempts, I can not seem to get them under control or reigned in.

For the last few years, through various outlets and people, I would come across Ketamine Infusion Therapy. I’ve done a lot of research on it. Finally in the last week of June, it seemed to be popping up everywhere. I took that as a sign to look into it more seriously as a means for treatment.

My cousin, Sara, had done some work for the Boise Ketamine Clinic (http://www.boiseketamineclinic.com) and she passed their information along to me. I quickly filled out their questionnaire and before I knew it, their founder/owner, Nykol Rice and I were texting back and forth regularly. Before a week had passed, I had my appointment scheduled to try the therapy out.

Ketamine Infusion Therapy can be used to treat a myriad of ailments from PTSD, migraines,  fibromyalgia, and various types of pain. The courses of ketamine treatment differ for what it is being used to treat. In my case, depression, the course is 6 days of 45 minute sessions.

Now, if you know me personally, you know I am a raver and that I have befriended my share of drug teachers. I also am a practicing Buddhist with years of meditation and yoga practice under my belt. Journeying to and practicing attaining different mind states in not foreign to me. I’ve dabbled with ketamine before. But I didn’t expect Ketamine Infusion Therapy to actually, for lack of a better term, take me balls to the wall tripping. Which it definitely did. It was easily the most intense drug trip I’ve ever had. It was, hands down, the most intense spiritual, self work I have ever done in my life. It was beautiful. But it was certainly extremely difficult.  I will recount the story as my mind is rebuilt and reformed in the Ketamine Field. Mind you, I am doing this as well as I can with words, there is so much that happened in the Ketamine Field that is just so profound that it can not be touched by words.

Infusion I. July 16, 2018. 75 mg.

The world is crystalline and light. This is a very sacred, holy place. You recognize it from your previous pilgramages here. It is infused with a sense of joy and love. You take a step in and you hear Ketamine, The Teacher, say to you, “Everything is okay. All is love. All is joy.” You don’t see Him, but you hear Him in your mind, you feel Him in your being, as you no longer have a body, nor any sense of a body. You are light. Consciousness. You stand here basking in light and The Teacher says, “It is okay to love your self. It has always been okay to feel joy. Joy is everywhere and in everything. See the joy! Feel the joy! The joy is everywhere!”. You look, and indeed joy is everywhere. You are permeated with it. It is as though it is flowing through your body of light, your being. You feel a smile fill the face back on your corporal body in the physical room.

Now you flow through waves of light made of stars. The waves are black in the center and golden on the sides. You are flowing through the cosmos, through different dimensions, through countless universes. Time and time again, it seems like days, years. Until you come to a set of caves where you meet your family. Mother. Father. Sisters. Boyfriend. And friend, Savannah. The Teacher says, “Here is love. This is love!’ And from each of these people from your life flows a sea of love into you. You feel the love come from them, into you. They, too, are beings of light and their love is waves of pure white, pink, and golden light that comes from their entire bodiless beings. You fill up with this love and you feel blessed.

God comes from the back of the cave. God is wearing dreadlocks of seaweed and stars and says to you, “You are an amazing person! It is okay to feel this. It is okay to know this! You are whole. You are complete. You are loved and you are love.” Then God goes back to the children made of stars, whose dreadlocks are seaweed and stars, and plays with them in the ocean of eternity.

‘Beep!” goes the automatic blood pressure machine. It squeezes my arm. It reminds me I have a body, although I couldn’t possibly use it.

I am somewhat awake and in the room.

“You are doing perfectly.”

“You are about halfway through.” Says Nykol.

“Okay…” I say. Or at least think I said. I am not sure if I can use my mouth at this point. I am not sure if I can interact with this world out here right now. It’s so different from the Ketamine Field. I want to go back to the Field where things are love and light, where everything is peace.

“Halfway through?” I think to myself. “I have been gone for hours! This room? Where is it? Where am I? Oh, the Ketamine. I love this drug. It’s amazing. Such a miracle. I love this Teacher. Everything is beautiful. What am I? Where am I? Oh my god. I can’t even. How long have I been gone? Where exactly am I? Do I even have a body anymore? Are those my feet? I think those are my feet. I can’t feel them. I can’t feel anything. This is so intense. I can’t even… This is so fucking intense. I can’t even…. I can’t….”

And then you are once again enveloped by the cocoon of Ketamine. The Teacher takes hold of you. You are now walking in the abyss of light. Stars. Through space. Time. Everything is joy. Everything is love. There is nothing but love and joy. You feel The Teacher slip away and you begin to float on bubbles of consciousness…. Floating up… falling down… floating up… falling down…. The waves of consciousness that envelope you are red and blue… green… purple… you’re floating up… you are falling down.

The stars. There are the stars. Brilliant, countless stars. Billions of stars. Now you are made of the stars. Space, blackness, and stars in between. Stars and space, joy and love. You are the universes. Floating… falling… waves of consciousness….

Turtles. There are sea turtles here now. Universal sea turtles made of stars and space. And instead of riding the waves of consciousness, you are now surfing a sea turtle through universes, through time and space, through light, through love, through the universes which are yourself.

Speeding through eternity you laugh and smile, full of joy and light as your being feels boundless and carefree. The turtles come to the shores of a universe and The Teacher is there. Ketamine says “you have always been sacred. You have always been a god. You are enlightened. You are light. It is okay to remember that. Remember that.

____

As I  come back to regular consciousness I feel myself as a god. I feel the light and love in me. I feel myself radiate with golden energy. I am leaving the Ketamine Field.

But coming back into the room my first words were “Holy Shit! Whoa. WHOA! WHOA! WOW! That. Was. INTENSE.” There aren’t words for at least half of what I just experienced. At this point, I’m not even in my body fully. I feel myself floating in the room, here, there. I see parts of the body and know it’s mine but I can’t move them. I can’t feel them. Am I even real? What is real?

Nykol is there. She’s here comforting me, telling me that I did well. Helping me back into reality. Slowly, back into the room. It takes about 45 minutes to an hour before I have fully “landed” and can use my feet again.

I feel different. Clear. Calm. Clean. Wow. That was an experience beyond any other! So intense.

Infusion II. July 17, 2018. 80 mg.

I woke up today. Emotional. Depressed with some suicidal thoughts. I don’t want to do anything but sleep. I don’t want to get out of bed. I lie on the couch. Everything sucks. I go back to sleep until it’s time to shower before my session. I go to the session and tell Nykol how today sucked. How I was depressed and slightly suicidal. I just didn’t want to do anything. She explains that it’s likely my ketamine comedown and my brain healing. The brain has a lot of work to do and I’ll experience some emotions the next several days.

This comforts me.  We head to the room and she prepares me for the journey. She starts the music, hooks up the monitors, inserts the IV containing the precious Teacher, and dims the lights. I close my eyes and wait for the Ketamine Field to envelope me in its gloriousness…..

______

The Teacher says, “We are going to have a different approach today than yesterday. There will be less traveling and more feeling and being.”

In fact, and in retrospect, you can’t even remember where you were in this realm other than in a cocoon of red light infused with joy and love.

You are a bodiless entity, glowing with yellow energy, floating on waves of consciousness. And then the love comes. Pure love. Love from family. First love from your father. Oceans and rivers of love from your father pour into you. Next the same from your mother, the boundless pure love from your mother, so whole, so complete. Then from your sisters. Love from your sisters fills you up, their love is pink and red. The love of your parents is yellow. Next is the love of your boyfriend which is very intense. His is blue, and it is so whole and comforting. All of their love forms a shell around you and you float in its light.

Now they are gone and so is The Teacher. Only light, music, and sensation remains. Floating along the waves of consciousness you accept wherever the waves take you. There is no destination and there are no forms in the Field today, as Ketamine said there would not be. You, as a formless being, float along in space and waves of love, aware of the love others have for you.

Again, at some point in your floating, you are met by God, who says “It is important that you remember that it is okay to love yourself. Love yourself, Scott. Love. Yourself Scott. Love. Your. Self. Scott. It’s okay. You are a magnificent and amazing person. You are a magnificent and amazing creation. You are worthy of love.

You open your eyes and see the room. Is that real? There’s Nykol. You love Nykol. She’s amazing. You wish she could feel the love and joy of the Ketamine Field. You close your eyes…. Nykol’s music is massaging your brain. You love Nykol for that. It’s beautiful. She has such a healing soul.

Floating on waves, there’s an ocean. You breathe. In. Out. In. Out. Light. Love. Wholeness. Completeness. You float as beingness without time or space for what seems like aeons…. Floating in love. Basking in joy. Filled with light. The Teacher tells you it’s time to leave and go back to the other world. He will see you tomorrow. You leave the Field.

____

I open my eyes. And once again encounter the harsh reality of the phenomenal world. Slowly taking ownership of my body again, slowly moving my fingers, gaining control of my mouth. This time I am embarrassed. I apologize to Nykol profusely, still in my Ketamine induced haze, I have this concept that I am bothering her, that I should be able to get out of her office and leave her alone, forgetting the fact that she has scheduled an entire hour for me to sit here and recover, to reclaim my body. It’s okay. Take my time. It’s going to take at least half an hour before I can use those feet again.

Infusion III. July 18, 2018. 80 mg.

Today I am feeling much better. There is no depression inside me —  for the first time since November. This is magnificent! I return to the clinic for my appointment. Nykol readies the soft music, the candle, I sit in the comfortable chair, leaning back.

She puts the IV in and I assume a meditative state, and drift off to the other world.

______

Blues and reds. The sacred Ketamine Field is back to normal after yesterday. Back to how you remember it being. The joy is flowing through you. The light, the love. It is as though The Teacher is taking every bit of your being apart and putting you back together, piece by piece, with light, joy, and love.

“Remember you are whole. Remember you are complete. Remember that you are sacred. You are enlightened. God is everything. God is everywhere. Everything is light. Everything is God. And you are that. Remember that. You think too small. So small. And that makes you unhappy. Stop believing in your smallness. You are magnificent!” These are things The Teacher tells you.

This day you can actually speak in the physical world while in the Ketamine Field and you are telling Nykol what The Teacher and God are showing you. You tell her that everything in reality is light and love. You tell her that God is everything. You are telling her that It, God, is so much more profound, yet so much simpler, than people think It is, and that she can call this “The Crazy Ramblings of an Enlightened Guy on Ketamine”!

You tire of talking in the physical world. Dealing with the outer world is exhausting. You go back to the sacred cocoon of Ketamine. Everything is now flat. It is peace. It is all red and blue and purple. Of course it is filled with joy and love and light. God has left. The Teacher has left. You sit here in stillness and peace with your body of light.

After moments, which seem like aeons, the waves of light return, flowing through the universes. Climbing. Falling. Climbing. Falling. Climbing. Falling. You open your arms and float to a red wave and ride it through the universes. Through space. Through time. You come to a still, green land. It is flat.

There are beings here. Two of them. You’ve never seen these beings before. They are angelic. Pure. They are also aliens. Made of green light and crystalline. They speak to you without speech, without words. With their minds they tell you that they are the ruling alien enlightened beings of the universes and that tomorrow they will be your teachers. They leave.

You float along in bliss. On waves of consciousness. The Teacher comes. He reminds you of your wholeness, your completeness. He reminds you to love yourself. Finally, He reminds you to get ready for the harsh transition into the other world….

_____

I open my eyes. Nykol is there. I am floating in the room, trying to land somewhere. There is a body there, but I am not yet part of it. I can use its mouth. I talk to Nykol. But for the first few minutes that’s all I can do. Eventually, more and more of me fills my body. Inside, I am full of joy, light, and love. This remains until tomorrow.

Infusion IV. July 19, 2018. 90 mg.

“You are whole. You are complete. God lives within you. God lives without you. All is peace. All is joy. Everything is as it is and in its isness it is sacred, ” says The Teacher.

You are standing in the Field enveloped by purple light that is made of pure joy. The angelic aliens are here, as promised.

They take you aboard their ship, of which you can not see any end or beginning. You are floating supine. You stop in pure darkness in what feels to be the middle of the expansive ship. At the edges of the darkness is the purple light. Everything remains I in a state of pure bliss and happiness. The angelic aliens are not frightening but comforting. The aliens tell you, without moving their mouths, communicating with thought, that they are going to take apart your body. They are going to take apart you entire being. And they are going to put you back together again, piece by infinitesimal piece with joy, light, and love. Then they begin doing so. You are billions of billions of pieces. Floating in their dark space at the edges of the purple light. The two aliens are there piecing you together slowly, methodically.

“Nothing is as it seems, nor is it otherwise. You do not need to hold on to your fears. You do not need to listen to your limitations. You do not need to remember the limiting lies of your culture. You are a sacred being made of nothing but light, space, and love. We are not here to judge you. You are not here to see limitations of your self. Those are lies and serve no one anything. Put them away. You are whole. You are complete. Pick up your transcendence. Embrace it. Bask in the full knowledge of your light and power. You are sovereign. Stop thinking you are not. To do so limits yourself and reality. You are trying to limit God by doing so and that can not ultimately, in truth, be. Take the truth of your being and know your fullness.” These are the words The Teacher says to you as you lie there in billions of pieces, floating in the darkness being pieced together, atom by atom, by the angelic, ruling, enlightened aliens of the cosmos. Your consciousness basks in the light of being, Joyous. At peace. Everything is still and purple.

As you are put together you feel more whole, more sacred. More God-like. Everything is okay. Everything is okay. Everything is okay. The teacher is right. You are whole. You are complete. You are transcendent, sacred, sovereignty.

Om mani padme hum, om mani padme hum, om mani padme hum, om mani padme hum.

You leave the Field.

———-

Coming and going are getting a little easier. Although the transition between the Field and the phenomenal world is still a huge leap. This is a lot of work! But I think it is worth it. I am very happy. At peace. The work seems to be paying off. I still have not experienced depression. This is awesome!

Infusion V. July 20, 2018. 90 mg.

It’s been three days since I’ve experienced depression. Things are going quite well. I’ve certainly been groggy and tired, but at the same time, clear and at peace. As usual, I über to the Clinic, take my seat and Nykol does the preparations.

Nykol puts the IV in my arm, I assume the meditative state. Soon I can feel The Teacher flow up my veins and into the center of my head.

______

You enter the Field.

Today The Teacher seems to have a feisty attitude. He’s dressed like the dancing Planter’s Peanut, yet He is somewhat serious as well.  He reminds you that you are whole. That you are complete. You are bliss. You are love.

“The light transcends the darkness and you can not be consumed by your darkness because you are light. Your darkness is just your story of suffering and you can choose to let it go and be free. Choose your freedom and see your wholeness. The darkness does not comprehend your pure, transcendent light in its totality. You are free. You are joy. And you are love. Be at peace. Let go to of the story. Soar. You are not created to be in the shadows.”

Snow is floating through the Ketamine Field. Filling valleys and hills. You are not cold as there is no you. You are bodiless and formless. You are the vastness of time and space. The “you” that you had previously clung to is so small. So limited. So childish. Why do people get so stuck in thinking that they are their “you”? It’s where their pain comes from. Their distraction from their divinity. Their seemingly separation from others and everything else, although, in reality, there can never be a separation between anything. All things are one.

“Today’s lessons are halfway through.” says The Teacher.

You open your eyes in the physical world, look to Nykol, and say “The Teacher says that we are halfway done with today?” She looks at the IV of ketamine and confirms that we are. You return to the Ketamine Field.

The snow blows and there is that stillness and silence that is brought by snow. It is beautiful and calm. You are alone in the Field. Basking in the beauty of space and silence.

Waves of purple and blue coalesce on the edges of being and move toward you. They bring you to The Teacher and the two of your ride these waves, not as separate entities in limited bodies, but as beings of pure love, energy, and light. You ride these waves through space and time, as consciousness, filling the vast joy, exultation of beauty and love. The Teacher says to you, without words, “Reality, true absolute reality, the ground of being is born from, is known from, and is experienced in silence, stillness, and space. Truth is born of stillness. Freedom is born of space. Silence creates the beauty and knowledge of eternity.”

Your consciousnesses swirl and coalesce, in and out… in and out… in and out.. up and down… bubbling in beauty and joy. Time and time again. Unencumbered by body and ego. Freedom and boundless space … you are liberation and enlightenment. Love and peace.

You ride a purple wave through the Ketamine Field, through space and time, to no where, to everywhere. Experiencing everything. Experiencing nothing. Your consciousness is wrapped in a cocoon of exultation. The Teacher is beside you in His cocoon. You two are at utter peace.

Infusion VI. July 21, 2018. 200 mg.

I am feeling good between treatments. Groggy. But happy.

______

There is an ocean of blackness. An ocean of knowledge. Of time. Of Eternity. You wonder where those turtles you rode several days before are. Will you ride them today? Where is The Teacher?

Stillness. Pure purple light of joy. No body. No I. Ahh beingness. It is so liberating.

The snow blows over the Field and the blue and purple waves dance in and out of the sky.

The enlightened ruling aliens of the universe are here, across the Ketamine Field, but you are not encountering them. At least not yet. You feel The Teacher coming.

The Teacher tells you, “Live love from presence, from now, from here. From a sense of joy, kindness, and love with spirit and enlightenment, and the rest of your purpose and destiny will fall into place.

“You may master the silence, the beingness, the stillness, the enlightenment, but there is no end to the mastery, for they go ever and ever more deeper. The truths and fulfillment of eternity is infinite. The world as you know it is birthed from the ground of being, from the still, ground of consciousness. It is limitless and expansive formlessness that becomes form. You, which are bits of that limitless formlessness, have temporarily taken form and attempt to imprison yourself in limitations by applying labels of sound and language on all that which arises. You then no longer see the arisen in the light of truth but as the labels and stories that are veiling your vision and clouding your unity, creating a false sense of separation from everything else. You are not separate from anything. Nothing is separate from anything. You try to make God something that is over there instead of all that is and right here, immanently. In your delusions, truth becomes almost inaccessible, the maze of stories and labels is the game you see as life. Then the forms die, pass away, becoming infinite formlessness again and the dance of eternity continues infinity. “

The two of you ride a wave to a cave. The cave is large and its ceiling is made of stars and galaxies. You can see turtles swimming in the stars and galaxies. It is all so beautiful. You rise. Fall. Rise. Fall. Breathe. In. Out.

You are whole. You are complete. Everything is as it is and that is okay, because everything is nothing but pure joy and beauty.

Back to Reality

The following 3 days are pretty rough. I am experiencing ketamine come down. I am not necessarily depressed, but groggy, foggy, irritable, exhausted. I don’t really want to see people. Simply, I want to Netflix and chill.

On the fourth day this cloud had dissipated and I feel like a human being again. A human being without depression. It’s amazing! I see my MD next week to discuss his thoughts on the treatment and titrating down my antidepressants.

Two Weeks After: 30 July 2018

At this point it has been two weeks since my ketamine treatments. I am feeling excellent! I haven’t had any encounters with depression and on a scale of 1- 10 (1 being low, 10 being high), I would consistently rate my happiness at an 8 to a 9 most days. I met with my MD today to tell him about how I have been doing. He was very impressed with the results and agreed that we would begin titrating my antidepressants down to (hopefully) a point where I am no longer on them.

/by

Chronic Illness: Persistent Burden. Persistent Guru.

On June 29, 2015 I got nauseous. I’ve been nauseous every day since.

This incessant nausea has been with me for almost two years. Had I a dollar for every joke someone made about me having morning sickness due to pregnancy, I’d be a billionaire. The times I’ve had to pull my car over to vomit are countless, as are the times I’ve had to suddenly stop what I was doing hoping to make it to the bathroom before the vomit came. Occasionally, I’m not fast enough and end up emptying my stomach all over my car or projectile all over the room.

Cleaning up the contents of my stomach is a skill I have perfected — a skill I had no idea I’d need so often. This particular type of vomiting process is abnormal in that it is insatiable. It doesn’t stop with just throwing up what’s in my stomach. No. It wants whatever is deep inside of me. It wants to turn me inside out. Food. Water. Bile. Heaves. Pain. It goes and it goes some more. I drink water or whatever liquid I can find quickly so I have something to throw up — it’s less painful that way. Somedays this will happen 15–20 times. It’s unpredictable, painful, debilitating, and depressing.

Thankfully, the vomiting is infrequent. But the nausea is my constant companion. Some days it’s extreme and accompanied by that incessant, painful, voracious vomiting. Occasionally the nausea is so intense that I begin to sweat. I get weak. I get dizzy. I don’t want to talk. I can’t talk. I just have to move through it. I have to lie down and breathe to pacify my stomach so the vomiting spasms don’t come.

I also have “normal” days. These days are a blessing because I can live my life like a typical human being. I’m still nauseated at some point in the day. Sometimes it’s just a slight, persistent nausea through the whole day, but it’s not debilitating. It’s the kind of discomfort I can live with and still function. Thankfully, for the last 3 months these days with only some nausea are the most frequent. I like these days. It will switch again though to where the bad happen more often. It’s a cycle, hence the name of the disease: Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome.

Initially my doctor thought I had a parasite. That was the first thing that came to my mind as well. I’ve seen the show Monsters Inside Me and know that this is how those bugs operate. It wasn’t parasites. Perhaps I am allergic gluten? Maybe it’s my gallbladder? Possibly it’s triggered by something I’m eating? Tests, tests, blood, MRIs, ultrasounds, and food logs. Each time to revealed everything was normal. I’m very happy to hear that I don’t have parasites, my gallbladder is fine, I don’t have celiac disease — however there’s something within me that isn’t normal. I began to fear that doctors would think that I was making this illness up. That I was trying to get attention. Being crazy. A hypochondriac. I knew my nausea was real. And I knew it was taking a toll on my life with countless cancelled plans and sick days.

I tried acupuncture. Chinese medicine. Naturopathy. None of them could figure out what was wrong or help me. Finally a gastroenterologist said I had Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome. My inner monologue assessed his diagnosis with: “He’s totally making this up right now. He’s at his wits end and can’t come up with a real diagnosis, so he’s making this up so I’ll go away. Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome isn’t a thing. People don’t have that.”

Well. I did some research and learned that Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome actually IS a thing. It’s a disease neurologically related to migraines. It’s a mysterious and rare disease and not a lot of medical or scientific investigation have been put in to it. It’s also one of those things that aren’t curable. At least the symptoms can be treated. Sometimes kids will grow out of it. Sometimes they won’t.

I wasn’t going to give up, however. I asked my regular MD if I could get a second opinion from a research hospital. I was tired of messing around. I wanted to consult the big guns and see what was wrong with me, because it wasn’t Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome. That’s a stupid name for a disease that doesn’t even exist. Silly allopathic doctors!

I went to the Mayo Clinic. I knew that these extra fancy doctors would fix me right up and I could go back to a life without nausea and vomiting. I was exceedingly impressed with the Mayo Clinic. They were so courteous, helpful, professional, and kind. I spent two hours with my gastroenterologist. The man had gone through my medical file with a fine-toothed comb. He was patient and intelligent. However, he said that he knew that I was coming to see them in the hopes of them finding out I had something other than CVS, something that can be “fixed”. Alas, the consensus between he and the senior doctors was yes, I did indeed have Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome.

This left me somewhat disheartened. I was hopeful for a cure. I was hopeful they could make the nausea and the vomiting stop. But, no, that’s not possible. I have to live with this situation. As the Buddha invited the demon Mara in to his house to have tea, I must invite this disease in to my house. We are going to be together for perhaps my whole life. I must make my way through the world with it.

As burdensome, depressing, and annoying as it has been, CVS has also been one of the greatest spiritual teachers I have ever had. I have learned acceptance. I have acknowledged that this is how my life is now, and, unless I want to be miserable and fight a losing battle, I must accept it.

I have also learned patience. I must be patient with myself and with my body. Sometimes I have to cancel plans. Both important and unimportant plans. The disease doesn’t care what they are. But it’s here and I must be with it now. The plans can either wait or go on without me.

In many ways, CVS has given me a lot of freedom. It has made room for and called me to fully put in to practice the spiritual teaching of Buddhism, yoga, and Advaita Vedanta that I have been studying most of my life. It has given me new respect for the body, and a much greater appreciation for good health.

When the nausea is here in this body, it is firmly here. So am I. Unfortunately, that means I have to miss other experiences I wanted to have, but that’s okay. I’ll stay home and have tea with my demon, my guru, my teacher, my disease. In the end, everything will still be okay.

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You Are Sacred and You Deserve to Treat Yourself as Such

In our society it is common to go about life with full force and to sacrifice our own self care for others, our job, or our community. It is often considered selfish to do something that supports our own well being. Many of us go about our daily lives completely ignoring ourselves and are unconscious zombies to the present moment and our daily world. As soon as we wake up, the chatter and frenetic state of being begins. We read email on our iPhones while still in bed – eyes having been open for mere moments. We go to the kitchen and make coffee while checking Facebook. We go to work where our minds are met with one incessant demand after another. Afterwards, we continue the psychotic game of being dead to our Selves by involving ourselves with our kids and mindless activities such as TV watching (which, I don’t mean to imply, is completely negative – not in moderation). So often there is no to little time for ourselves. No moments of silence, stillness, or introspection. When are we refilling our energy reserves?

There is no other creature on the planet that so completely unconscious and so fully ignores their own self care as the human, as to do so would mean death. Yet so many of us do it. Day after day. And we pay for it with poor health, psychosis, dissatisfaction in life, anxiety, depression, and heart attacks.

You are the most important person in your life and you are the one responsible for taking care of yourself – in most ways, you are the only one who can take care of yourself. Buddhist teachers are quick to point out that while we are admonished to have compassion and love for all beings, we must not forget to extend that all important compassion to ourselves! We can not take care of others or our tasks to our fullest capacity, with mindfulness, grace, and passion, if we are not taking time to care for ourselves, to fill our well of being with more vibrance and light.

We all need periods of aloneness, space, and silence. Our being needs a chance to speak to us and to process the world. This opens us up to more profound avenues of being where we notice the deep and sublime interconnectedness we have with all beings. Further, there are countless other practices we can engage in which will help recharge and nurture our our beings. I urge you to find practices that speak to you and engage with them regularly. Some great examples are yoga, working out, journaling, spending regular time in nature, meditation, arts and creativity, and massage.

I make it a top priority to do daily yoga, meditation, and journaling at least six days a week. For me, yoga is an utterly powerful practice that makes life so much better! It gives me equanimity as well as physical and mental strength. I honestly don’t understand how anyone lives without it! Journaling gives me a tool to process my thoughts and emotions, to work through what is going on in both my mind and my outer world. And meditation provides daily time for silence and space, where god and my spirit can speak to me and I can bask fully in the sublime ground of being.

Find time for you. No one else will. You are a sacred and noble being who deserves it. And in doing so you will imbue your life with more resplendence, beauty, and passion.

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Darkness and Compassion

Life is very multifaceted. There is rarely, if ever a clear black and white distinction in many of the paths we must take in life or relationships.

In Buddhism you will see many wrathful deities like Heruka and Yamantaka who signify our more angry, forceful types of compassion. Sometimes we need  to be kind and calm with our loving, other times it is necessary for us to be filled with a forceful fire and maybe even, from a compassionate space, be hurtful.

Is yourself or the person you love acting in a way that harms themselves and others, perhaps stuck in an addictive circle? Maybe it is time to show some compassionate anger to help being them back to themselves. Sometimes we need that extra pull and impulse from the darkness to throw us back to the light. In Buddhism this is known as skillful means upaya, Buddhism is known as a religion and philosophy of kindness, compassion, and patience. Ironically, often the right kind and loving thing we need to do in order to help a person is to hurt them. Here we do not necessarily beat or physically harm them, or injure them with our words, but we forcefully wake them up to their situation, through firey love. We us this means in which to show them or ourselves how they (or we) are harming themselves.

Love and compassion aren’t always coupled with joy and ease. They also ride along with pain and misery. Life’s journey is peaks and valleys. Life without darkness blinds us to our light and numbs us to our full potential, where we can be shrouded in apathetic misery and no growth can happen. Both light and dark can be wise and compassionate, and for true flourishing of a person, we must take wisdom from both the sun and the moon.

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The Bliss of Transience

Gods: we project them first in the boldest of sketches, which sullen Fate keeps crumpling and tossing away. But for all that, the gods are immortal. Surely we may hear out the one who, in the end, will hear us. 

-Rainer Maria Rilke

As I sit here in my overstuffed chair, I gaze across the beautiful valley in which I live, taking in the gorgeous way the autumn paints the hills and hollows with an amber aura and gives it that vibrant crispness which makes the fall my most treasured season, I take a break from my reading. I drink in my warm, deliciously comforting oolong tea to think about something, which, in our society is, although imminent, a certainty for all, omnipresent, yet taboo. This something is death. Death is firmly embraced by a conspiracy of silence. We like to ignore it and pretend it will not happen to us. We frolic in the imagining that its grip will touch no one we know. We and those around us are immune, so we like to pretend. It is taboo to speak of, for doing so brings pain to the mind while shattering the illusion of our immortality. I am going to break this taboo and conspiracy of death.

I live in a picturesque little town of about 300 people on the Snake River canyon. It has a wonderful name: Bliss. If you want to get an idea of what it looks like, the photo in this article is a view from the deck of my house in Bliss. I have lived in many places in the world: San Francisco, Los Angeles, Boise, and Germany. But I have always found myself returning to this little town. I have a certain love for it that I will have for no other place on our vast planet. Bliss embodies the dictionary definition of “quaint”. It is the kind of place where everyone knows your business before you do. We can’t and don’t have secrets. My fellow inhabitants think I am pretty strange as I am the only gay, Buddhist, vegetarian who practices yoga and meditation in at least 100 miles. Regardless, this place is home and I am proud to have grown up here. There is a ubiquitous sense of community and we all realize that, in somewhere so tiny, we are all interconnected and continuously depend on one another. Bliss is populated with some of the kindest souls and warmest hearts who live simple lives doing simple things like ranching and farming. Surely you’ve eaten one of the potatoes grown here during your previous visit to McDonald’s.

Now, you may wonder, what do my verbose painting of my hometown and the silent conspiracy of death have in common? Oddly, we seem to have been, for some reason or another, a recent tourist attraction for Death’s cold hands. I remember the gentle, handsome 23 year old man, Hunter, who was struck and killed by a car on the freeway after he had exited his own car, which had broken down. His mother, Natalie, is a friend of mine and has been a cashier at my family’s convenience store for 8 years. Then there was Bailee, the extremely respectful 17 year old, possessed of a strikingly beautiful smile who loved to ride his dirt bike. His mother and I went to high school together and she graduated in the class one year above me. She comes to our convenience store daily for Mountain Dew. Our latest casualty was Rachel. She was a 43 year old mother and rancher who had a heart attack in her sleep and aspirated because of difficulties related to bronchitis. She ate at my restaurant almost daily. She loved chicken wraps and sirloin steaks. Two of her daughters have worked as waitresses for us.

Death has been to our town and brought with it the realization of life’s finitude. It reminds us that, in essence, it is one of the many things that makes us human and it provides our lives a meaning unparalleled by anything else. Because of death’s certainty, we are forced to live with the knowing that we are here to bask in all the beauty that life can offer. This has called us to face the real possibility that death can, and indeed does, come at any time. It does not knock. It does not ask for permission. It does not tell us when it is coming, but it always does come. It will come to each of us. This is a certitude of life. Let this certitude not depress you but empower you. Let this certitude fill you and the life you have yet to live with vibrance. Know that, in life, you possess the most powerful gift that the universe can offer.

Dance. Dance gloriously. Create. Create with abandon. Dream. And live those dreams. Let those dreams take you to the furthest reaches of your imaginings. The gift that death gives us is not sadness, but realization of our light, our resplendence, our beauty, and the ecstasy of being human.

Rather than allowing death to be something dreaded, let death be a reminder. Allow it to let you know that we, the living, are here to imbue our lives with love, beauty, curiosity, and adventure. I invite you to let it remind you to spend the time you have in joy with those who bring smiles to you heart. I invite you to remember that, in the end, it is the simple things that are meaningful and important: Our time. Our light. Our ecstasy. Our creativity. Our adventure. Our families. Our friends. Remember.

This, not despair, is the invitation of death’s beauty and certainty.

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The Mind Observed

How much of our lives do we spend in sadness, anger, frustration, and worry? Probably quite a bit. Through observation of the mind, we can notice, at least for the typical being, a tendency to move in the direction of upset and negativity rather than peace and joy. But why is this?

The Buddha spent a long time looking in to this. His approach was to look at his own experiences by investigating the mind itself. As practitioners of the Dharma, we strive to do this very same thing. When we begin this process we may not be very good at it and may not have a clear idea as to what we are doing. However, as our practice deepens through time we begin to see with clarity how we respond to experiences, both inner and outer, and we can start to come to an understanding about the nature of mind. These insights may, initially, be quite obvious and we may be curious as to why we hadn’t seen them before. As our practice deepens and matures, we will gain insight into more subtle aspects of the mind and attain a deeper, more refined understand of ourselves and how we relate to our experiences. 

To understand what is occurring, we firstly need to be mindful, to be paying attention. We have to have openness and a willingness to investigate our experiences without bias so that we can truly see the state of things. We do not simply want to reinforce the same things. The same old patterns of being. It will be important to look at our conditioning and its  impact on our perception. Of course, we don’t need to analyze each and every experience, but it is useful to have a general idea of the impact conditioning is having upon us. 

A good place to start might be to look at the areas where we are particularly sensitive and prone to quick reaction, our hot buttons. These areas are places that when met with an experience explode us into an inferno that sends us into pain and suffering, grasping or clinging. These buttons arise through conditioning. Possibly, we think that we don’t have any of these hot buttons in our consciouenes and it may seem that life’s conditions are the causes of our sufferings but if we examine our mind closely we will see that our conditioned view and our relationship to it determines how peaceful we will be.

As we gain understanding, we see that we can recognize our hot buttons and response from a place of wisdom, rather than react based on conditioning. It is possible that we will be able to respond, not from a place of fear or clinging, but from a deep pool of wisdom that can see past the conditioning into what is really happening.

It may be the case that you may be sensitive and have a hot button that lights up when others are bossy towards you. You may perceive the person as condescending. If unaware, there will be an immediate reaction of anger. On the other hand, if aware, we can apply a dose of equanimity and simply see the basis for reaction as a dream-like phenomenon. We know this button isn’t “real,” not everyone reacts the same way to the same stimulus. In fact we don’t respond the same way to the same stimulus on every occasion, sometimes we let things slide and other times we make a big deal out of them.

We can respond to life with more wonder and joy when we live from a place of awareness. Even though our lives may have challenges, when we see the transient nature of those experiences and that they are based on very limited views we can spend a great deal more time smiling.

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A Lotus Can’t Grow Without Mud

In Buddhism there is often mention of taking refuge in the Buddha. But what does this mean?

In our every day, usual way of living, we are typically going for refuge, that is, seeking comfort and solace from the stresses of life, in things that don’t ultimately serve us. Things like internet addiction, alcohol, television, Facebook, Twitter, things that turn us away from our problems by numbing us. Of course, using these things in moderation is fine, but that is not how the typical person is using them and they are not usually solving our problems. Instead, Buddhism asks us to seek refuge in the Buddha. 

This is not to say that we are asked to put our faith in Buddha in the sense that he or any other being outside of us will solve all our problems. Buddhism teaches us that ultimately there is nothing outside of ourselves that is going to dissolve the difficulties of being. Taking refuge in the Buddha is to take refuge in his teachings. Knowing that suffering is unavoidable in this world, yet brings us growth, is alluded to how a lotus can not grow without mud. The only way through our tribulations is to face them with consciousness and equanimity. 

Furthermore, our inclination is to run from our suffering, constantly avoiding it, in favor of what we think will bring us happiness and peace. However, as I said previously, a lotus can not grow without mud, that is, suffering cultivates within us understanding and compassion. Without understanding and compassion, there can be no ultimate happiness. Superficial and fleeting happiness, yes, but it can not bring us true, lasting happiness. 

We can use our suffering as an indicator to seek the Buddha within us for comfort. One way to access this Buddha within us, anytime and anywhere, is through our breathing. Breathing is a way to be present, mindful, and focused. It reconnects us to our bodies, which we all too often are unconscious of and take for granted. It centers us in the present moment. It is a doorway to awakening. It helps us to maintain full attention and to see the true nature of reality. When breathing, it can be helpful to remind yourself, “I know that I am breathing in. Breathing out, I know that I am breathing out.” This is about uniting the body and the mind in order to create harmony within our entire field of being. The breath is used to evoke feelings of joy and happiness and the awareness of the mind formations calms our inner turbulence. 

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Fear of Change

In our society we are so fearful of change. We fight against it. We deny its existence. We treat it as a great misfortune.

Look at how our culture meets death, the biggest change there is. We sterilize death. We remove it from our consciousness as best we can. Immediately, a dead person is taken away and housed in a morgue where they can not be seen. They are then dressed in finery. Dresses and suits. Ties and perfume. They are embalmed so that decomposition may not meet the eyes of those still living. Make up is put on them so that we may continue the façade that their body is not a corpse. We can pretend that consciousness somewhere inhabits them and soon, they will once again dance with the animation that had momentarily abandoned them.

Death occurs “out there” and to other people. And it is always a surprise. We hear the news that “John died today” and we act shocked. “Really! I can’t believe it! That poor man! His poor family!”

You can’t believe death occurred? How is it at all surprising? Death is not a surprise! It the most guaranteed thing we have in life! We will all meet it. The exact time and circumstances are unknown. But it will surely happen.

Similarly, we meet all change. And this manner of meeting creates within us tumult and pain. This denial, this pretending it does not exist until we have no other choice to face it, is nothing but a disservice to ourselves.

Like death, change is necessary and change is beautiful. It saves us from drowning in stagnation. It opens the doors to new flowering. To new life. Nothing can remain the same as it is. We would all die of utter boredom.

If we embrace the beauty and certainty of change and death, we then embrace the beauty of life and live with a greater sense of ease and liberation.

Stop fighting. It’s here. Open your arms and accept it. 

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Be Happy Now

It’s possible for us to establish a way of life that is conducive to being spiritual, mindful, and fully conscious in our daily lives. However, this requires practice and vigilance. There is never a point where we can sit back and say “A HA! I’ve made it!” Because as soon as we do, something will happen where you will be reminded that we are human.

We must constantly cultivate awareness of our spiritual state and create pockets in our lives that will feed nurture it. Similarly, we must prune away aspects of our being that do not support our spiritual unfolding. This world can be extremely distracting and it is very easy to get sucked in to our normal, mundane level of consciousness. But the more we cultivate the spiritual, the easier it will be to stay in a state of equanimity the next time the outer world deals you a crappy situation. I know that the more consistently I am incorporating yoga and meditation into my life, the more consciously I interact with the circumstances in my life. Instead of losing my temper when something doesn’t go my way, I see it as the passing situation it is. In dealing with people, instead of feeling anger and hatred toward them for not acting how I want them to, I can switch my perspective and see the situation more clearly, and from their point of view. This gives me more patience and peace. My life is truly a better place, filled with more balance, joy, and serenity when I am able to consistently lead a spiritually focused life. 

Thankfully, like our body, our mind is pliable. We can exercise and strengthen it in order to meet everyday situations that arise with equanimity. However, like exercising and strengthening the body, this requires vigilance and dedication to practice. We are always at practice. Our entire lives are our practice of going deeper and deeper into being. Vigilance is the guideline that keeps us directed on that path. Even after being on this path for 25 years, there are still times where I would rather lay on the couch and play video games than break out the yoga mat, but I make myself do asana practice because I know that that is conducive to the balanced, healthful life I want to live.

It is important for us to introduce and install practices that resonate with us which we will dedicate regular time to. If we want balance, we must make spirituality, mindfulness, and compassion priorities so that we are not otherwise distracted by everything that the world throws at us. These practices that each of us gravitate to will vary from person to person, not all of us will find every habit helpful and the practices we will be drawn to may fluctuate in our lives. Sometimes I find journaling very insightful, other times it’s boring and tedious. Meditation and yoga are extremely powerful for many people, other people think they’re awful. There are no set, universal paths or directions. Do what you are drawn to, what works for you, and shine!

How do we establish new ways of interacting with our life when we have become so entrenched in our usual way of seeing things? This mundane, dull, expression of reality that lacks magic and vitality? We can begin by taking incremental steps and increase these steps over time. Take a day to experience nature. Begin meditating 15-20 minutes a day. Go one day a week “unplugged,” without the computer, cell phone, or TV. Find things that provide a feeling of connection and expansiveness. Begin implementing them in life and build from there. Soon, we will notice that life is improving and becoming more vibrant! Sometimes then we may be tempted to stop practicing because life has already been enhanced so much. But change is a constant in life and, at the risk of sounding negative, our situation always changes. It is important to practice when everything is going well because this will help to prepare us for when the situation will inevitably change.

We need regular practice so that we will see the ultimate, non-dual, spacious nature of reality and be freed from the tyranny of the unenlightened mind. We are invited to stop constantly waiting for happiness and expecting to get it from outside of ourselves. Don’t expect to experience fulfillment in some future point when we never experience now. Stop believing that one more self help book, workshop, or one more retreat will solve our problems.

There seems to be an unconscious part of us that doesn’t believe that we are worthy of happiness and fulfillment right now. But what would happen if we were? What would happen if we finally knew that we were always already whole and complete as we are? What would happen if we realized that we don’t have to wait any longer to experience wholeness? What would it feel like to experience contentment and equanimity as it is here, now, sitting within our being? At some point in time we have to give up our illusions and delusions. Why not now?

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