I have suffered from major depressive disorder and anxiety for 22 years, since I was 18 years old. For the most part, I have managed to keep it under control. They have their cycles where they rear their heads and ask for attention, then die down and I regain my life again. While they are active, they are such horrible demons. Awful, terrible diseases to deal with. I feel like I am fighting a war within myself, within my mind. It’s such a struggle. Since November of this last year (2017) I have been dealing with the most virulent, crippling depression and anxiety of my life. And despite my most ardent attempts, I can not seem to get them under control or reigned in.
For the last few years, through various outlets and people, I would come across Ketamine Infusion Therapy. I’ve done a lot of research on it. Finally in the last week of June, it seemed to be popping up everywhere. I took that as a sign to look into it more seriously as a means for treatment.
My cousin, Sara, had done some work for the Boise Ketamine Clinic (http://www.boiseketamineclinic.com) and she passed their information along to me. I quickly filled out their questionnaire and before I knew it, their founder/owner, Nykol Rice and I were texting back and forth regularly. Before a week had passed, I had my appointment scheduled to try the therapy out.
Ketamine Infusion Therapy can be used to treat a myriad of ailments from PTSD, migraines, fibromyalgia, and various types of pain. The courses of ketamine treatment differ for what it is being used to treat. In my case, depression, the course is 6 days of 45 minute sessions.
Now, if you know me personally, you know I am a raver and that I have befriended my share of drug teachers. I also am a practicing Buddhist with years of meditation and yoga practice under my belt. Journeying to and practicing attaining different mind states in not foreign to me. I’ve dabbled with ketamine before. But I didn’t expect Ketamine Infusion Therapy to actually, for lack of a better term, take me balls to the wall tripping. Which it definitely did. It was easily the most intense drug trip I’ve ever had. It was, hands down, the most intense spiritual, self work I have ever done in my life. It was beautiful. But it was certainly extremely difficult. I will recount the story as my mind is rebuilt and reformed in the Ketamine Field. Mind you, I am doing this as well as I can with words, there is so much that happened in the Ketamine Field that is just so profound that it can not be touched by words.
Infusion I. July 16, 2018. 75 mg.
The world is crystalline and light. This is a very sacred, holy place. You recognize it from your previous pilgramages here. It is infused with a sense of joy and love. You take a step in and you hear Ketamine, The Teacher, say to you, “Everything is okay. All is love. All is joy.” You don’t see Him, but you hear Him in your mind, you feel Him in your being, as you no longer have a body, nor any sense of a body. You are light. Consciousness. You stand here basking in light and The Teacher says, “It is okay to love your self. It has always been okay to feel joy. Joy is everywhere and in everything. See the joy! Feel the joy! The joy is everywhere!”. You look, and indeed joy is everywhere. You are permeated with it. It is as though it is flowing through your body of light, your being. You feel a smile fill the face back on your corporal body in the physical room.
Now you flow through waves of light made of stars. The waves are black in the center and golden on the sides. You are flowing through the cosmos, through different dimensions, through countless universes. Time and time again, it seems like days, years. Until you come to a set of caves where you meet your family. Mother. Father. Sisters. Boyfriend. And friend, Savannah. The Teacher says, “Here is love. This is love!’ And from each of these people from your life flows a sea of love into you. You feel the love come from them, into you. They, too, are beings of light and their love is waves of pure white, pink, and golden light that comes from their entire bodiless beings. You fill up with this love and you feel blessed.
God comes from the back of the cave. God is wearing dreadlocks of seaweed and stars and says to you, “You are an amazing person! It is okay to feel this. It is okay to know this! You are whole. You are complete. You are loved and you are love.” Then God goes back to the children made of stars, whose dreadlocks are seaweed and stars, and plays with them in the ocean of eternity.
‘Beep!” goes the automatic blood pressure machine. It squeezes my arm. It reminds me I have a body, although I couldn’t possibly use it.
I am somewhat awake and in the room.
“You are doing perfectly.”
“You are about halfway through.” Says Nykol.
“Okay…” I say. Or at least think I said. I am not sure if I can use my mouth at this point. I am not sure if I can interact with this world out here right now. It’s so different from the Ketamine Field. I want to go back to the Field where things are love and light, where everything is peace.
“Halfway through?” I think to myself. “I have been gone for hours! This room? Where is it? Where am I? Oh, the Ketamine. I love this drug. It’s amazing. Such a miracle. I love this Teacher. Everything is beautiful. What am I? Where am I? Oh my god. I can’t even. How long have I been gone? Where exactly am I? Do I even have a body anymore? Are those my feet? I think those are my feet. I can’t feel them. I can’t feel anything. This is so intense. I can’t even… This is so fucking intense. I can’t even…. I can’t….”
And then you are once again enveloped by the cocoon of Ketamine. The Teacher takes hold of you. You are now walking in the abyss of light. Stars. Through space. Time. Everything is joy. Everything is love. There is nothing but love and joy. You feel The Teacher slip away and you begin to float on bubbles of consciousness…. Floating up… falling down… floating up… falling down…. The waves of consciousness that envelope you are red and blue… green… purple… you’re floating up… you are falling down.
The stars. There are the stars. Brilliant, countless stars. Billions of stars. Now you are made of the stars. Space, blackness, and stars in between. Stars and space, joy and love. You are the universes. Floating… falling… waves of consciousness….
Turtles. There are sea turtles here now. Universal sea turtles made of stars and space. And instead of riding the waves of consciousness, you are now surfing a sea turtle through universes, through time and space, through light, through love, through the universes which are yourself.
Speeding through eternity you laugh and smile, full of joy and light as your being feels boundless and carefree. The turtles come to the shores of a universe and The Teacher is there. Ketamine says “you have always been sacred. You have always been a god. You are enlightened. You are light. It is okay to remember that. Remember that.
____
As I come back to regular consciousness I feel myself as a god. I feel the light and love in me. I feel myself radiate with golden energy. I am leaving the Ketamine Field.
But coming back into the room my first words were “Holy Shit! Whoa. WHOA! WHOA! WOW! That. Was. INTENSE.” There aren’t words for at least half of what I just experienced. At this point, I’m not even in my body fully. I feel myself floating in the room, here, there. I see parts of the body and know it’s mine but I can’t move them. I can’t feel them. Am I even real? What is real?
Nykol is there. She’s here comforting me, telling me that I did well. Helping me back into reality. Slowly, back into the room. It takes about 45 minutes to an hour before I have fully “landed” and can use my feet again.
I feel different. Clear. Calm. Clean. Wow. That was an experience beyond any other! So intense.
Infusion II. July 17, 2018. 80 mg.
I woke up today. Emotional. Depressed with some suicidal thoughts. I don’t want to do anything but sleep. I don’t want to get out of bed. I lie on the couch. Everything sucks. I go back to sleep until it’s time to shower before my session. I go to the session and tell Nykol how today sucked. How I was depressed and slightly suicidal. I just didn’t want to do anything. She explains that it’s likely my ketamine comedown and my brain healing. The brain has a lot of work to do and I’ll experience some emotions the next several days.
This comforts me. We head to the room and she prepares me for the journey. She starts the music, hooks up the monitors, inserts the IV containing the precious Teacher, and dims the lights. I close my eyes and wait for the Ketamine Field to envelope me in its gloriousness…..
______
The Teacher says, “We are going to have a different approach today than yesterday. There will be less traveling and more feeling and being.”
In fact, and in retrospect, you can’t even remember where you were in this realm other than in a cocoon of red light infused with joy and love.
You are a bodiless entity, glowing with yellow energy, floating on waves of consciousness. And then the love comes. Pure love. Love from family. First love from your father. Oceans and rivers of love from your father pour into you. Next the same from your mother, the boundless pure love from your mother, so whole, so complete. Then from your sisters. Love from your sisters fills you up, their love is pink and red. The love of your parents is yellow. Next is the love of your boyfriend which is very intense. His is blue, and it is so whole and comforting. All of their love forms a shell around you and you float in its light.
Now they are gone and so is The Teacher. Only light, music, and sensation remains. Floating along the waves of consciousness you accept wherever the waves take you. There is no destination and there are no forms in the Field today, as Ketamine said there would not be. You, as a formless being, float along in space and waves of love, aware of the love others have for you.
Again, at some point in your floating, you are met by God, who says “It is important that you remember that it is okay to love yourself. Love yourself, Scott. Love. Yourself Scott. Love. Your. Self. Scott. It’s okay. You are a magnificent and amazing person. You are a magnificent and amazing creation. You are worthy of love.
You open your eyes and see the room. Is that real? There’s Nykol. You love Nykol. She’s amazing. You wish she could feel the love and joy of the Ketamine Field. You close your eyes…. Nykol’s music is massaging your brain. You love Nykol for that. It’s beautiful. She has such a healing soul.
Floating on waves, there’s an ocean. You breathe. In. Out. In. Out. Light. Love. Wholeness. Completeness. You float as beingness without time or space for what seems like aeons…. Floating in love. Basking in joy. Filled with light. The Teacher tells you it’s time to leave and go back to the other world. He will see you tomorrow. You leave the Field.
____
I open my eyes. And once again encounter the harsh reality of the phenomenal world. Slowly taking ownership of my body again, slowly moving my fingers, gaining control of my mouth. This time I am embarrassed. I apologize to Nykol profusely, still in my Ketamine induced haze, I have this concept that I am bothering her, that I should be able to get out of her office and leave her alone, forgetting the fact that she has scheduled an entire hour for me to sit here and recover, to reclaim my body. It’s okay. Take my time. It’s going to take at least half an hour before I can use those feet again.
Infusion III. July 18, 2018. 80 mg.
Today I am feeling much better. There is no depression inside me — for the first time since November. This is magnificent! I return to the clinic for my appointment. Nykol readies the soft music, the candle, I sit in the comfortable chair, leaning back.
She puts the IV in and I assume a meditative state, and drift off to the other world.
______
Blues and reds. The sacred Ketamine Field is back to normal after yesterday. Back to how you remember it being. The joy is flowing through you. The light, the love. It is as though The Teacher is taking every bit of your being apart and putting you back together, piece by piece, with light, joy, and love.
“Remember you are whole. Remember you are complete. Remember that you are sacred. You are enlightened. God is everything. God is everywhere. Everything is light. Everything is God. And you are that. Remember that. You think too small. So small. And that makes you unhappy. Stop believing in your smallness. You are magnificent!” These are things The Teacher tells you.
This day you can actually speak in the physical world while in the Ketamine Field and you are telling Nykol what The Teacher and God are showing you. You tell her that everything in reality is light and love. You tell her that God is everything. You are telling her that It, God, is so much more profound, yet so much simpler, than people think It is, and that she can call this “The Crazy Ramblings of an Enlightened Guy on Ketamine”!
You tire of talking in the physical world. Dealing with the outer world is exhausting. You go back to the sacred cocoon of Ketamine. Everything is now flat. It is peace. It is all red and blue and purple. Of course it is filled with joy and love and light. God has left. The Teacher has left. You sit here in stillness and peace with your body of light.
After moments, which seem like aeons, the waves of light return, flowing through the universes. Climbing. Falling. Climbing. Falling. Climbing. Falling. You open your arms and float to a red wave and ride it through the universes. Through space. Through time. You come to a still, green land. It is flat.
There are beings here. Two of them. You’ve never seen these beings before. They are angelic. Pure. They are also aliens. Made of green light and crystalline. They speak to you without speech, without words. With their minds they tell you that they are the ruling alien enlightened beings of the universes and that tomorrow they will be your teachers. They leave.
You float along in bliss. On waves of consciousness. The Teacher comes. He reminds you of your wholeness, your completeness. He reminds you to love yourself. Finally, He reminds you to get ready for the harsh transition into the other world….
_____
I open my eyes. Nykol is there. I am floating in the room, trying to land somewhere. There is a body there, but I am not yet part of it. I can use its mouth. I talk to Nykol. But for the first few minutes that’s all I can do. Eventually, more and more of me fills my body. Inside, I am full of joy, light, and love. This remains until tomorrow.
Infusion IV. July 19, 2018. 90 mg.
“You are whole. You are complete. God lives within you. God lives without you. All is peace. All is joy. Everything is as it is and in its isness it is sacred, ” says The Teacher.
You are standing in the Field enveloped by purple light that is made of pure joy. The angelic aliens are here, as promised.
They take you aboard their ship, of which you can not see any end or beginning. You are floating supine. You stop in pure darkness in what feels to be the middle of the expansive ship. At the edges of the darkness is the purple light. Everything remains I in a state of pure bliss and happiness. The angelic aliens are not frightening but comforting. The aliens tell you, without moving their mouths, communicating with thought, that they are going to take apart your body. They are going to take apart you entire being. And they are going to put you back together again, piece by infinitesimal piece with joy, light, and love. Then they begin doing so. You are billions of billions of pieces. Floating in their dark space at the edges of the purple light. The two aliens are there piecing you together slowly, methodically.
“Nothing is as it seems, nor is it otherwise. You do not need to hold on to your fears. You do not need to listen to your limitations. You do not need to remember the limiting lies of your culture. You are a sacred being made of nothing but light, space, and love. We are not here to judge you. You are not here to see limitations of your self. Those are lies and serve no one anything. Put them away. You are whole. You are complete. Pick up your transcendence. Embrace it. Bask in the full knowledge of your light and power. You are sovereign. Stop thinking you are not. To do so limits yourself and reality. You are trying to limit God by doing so and that can not ultimately, in truth, be. Take the truth of your being and know your fullness.” These are the words The Teacher says to you as you lie there in billions of pieces, floating in the darkness being pieced together, atom by atom, by the angelic, ruling, enlightened aliens of the cosmos. Your consciousness basks in the light of being, Joyous. At peace. Everything is still and purple.
As you are put together you feel more whole, more sacred. More God-like. Everything is okay. Everything is okay. Everything is okay. The teacher is right. You are whole. You are complete. You are transcendent, sacred, sovereignty.
Om mani padme hum, om mani padme hum, om mani padme hum, om mani padme hum.
You leave the Field.
———-
Coming and going are getting a little easier. Although the transition between the Field and the phenomenal world is still a huge leap. This is a lot of work! But I think it is worth it. I am very happy. At peace. The work seems to be paying off. I still have not experienced depression. This is awesome!
Infusion V. July 20, 2018. 90 mg.
It’s been three days since I’ve experienced depression. Things are going quite well. I’ve certainly been groggy and tired, but at the same time, clear and at peace. As usual, I über to the Clinic, take my seat and Nykol does the preparations.
Nykol puts the IV in my arm, I assume the meditative state. Soon I can feel The Teacher flow up my veins and into the center of my head.
______
You enter the Field.
Today The Teacher seems to have a feisty attitude. He’s dressed like the dancing Planter’s Peanut, yet He is somewhat serious as well. He reminds you that you are whole. That you are complete. You are bliss. You are love.
“The light transcends the darkness and you can not be consumed by your darkness because you are light. Your darkness is just your story of suffering and you can choose to let it go and be free. Choose your freedom and see your wholeness. The darkness does not comprehend your pure, transcendent light in its totality. You are free. You are joy. And you are love. Be at peace. Let go to of the story. Soar. You are not created to be in the shadows.”
Snow is floating through the Ketamine Field. Filling valleys and hills. You are not cold as there is no you. You are bodiless and formless. You are the vastness of time and space. The “you” that you had previously clung to is so small. So limited. So childish. Why do people get so stuck in thinking that they are their “you”? It’s where their pain comes from. Their distraction from their divinity. Their seemingly separation from others and everything else, although, in reality, there can never be a separation between anything. All things are one.
“Today’s lessons are halfway through.” says The Teacher.
You open your eyes in the physical world, look to Nykol, and say “The Teacher says that we are halfway done with today?” She looks at the IV of ketamine and confirms that we are. You return to the Ketamine Field.
The snow blows and there is that stillness and silence that is brought by snow. It is beautiful and calm. You are alone in the Field. Basking in the beauty of space and silence.
Waves of purple and blue coalesce on the edges of being and move toward you. They bring you to The Teacher and the two of your ride these waves, not as separate entities in limited bodies, but as beings of pure love, energy, and light. You ride these waves through space and time, as consciousness, filling the vast joy, exultation of beauty and love. The Teacher says to you, without words, “Reality, true absolute reality, the ground of being is born from, is known from, and is experienced in silence, stillness, and space. Truth is born of stillness. Freedom is born of space. Silence creates the beauty and knowledge of eternity.”
Your consciousnesses swirl and coalesce, in and out… in and out… in and out.. up and down… bubbling in beauty and joy. Time and time again. Unencumbered by body and ego. Freedom and boundless space … you are liberation and enlightenment. Love and peace.
You ride a purple wave through the Ketamine Field, through space and time, to no where, to everywhere. Experiencing everything. Experiencing nothing. Your consciousness is wrapped in a cocoon of exultation. The Teacher is beside you in His cocoon. You two are at utter peace.
Infusion VI. July 21, 2018. 200 mg.
I am feeling good between treatments. Groggy. But happy.
______
There is an ocean of blackness. An ocean of knowledge. Of time. Of Eternity. You wonder where those turtles you rode several days before are. Will you ride them today? Where is The Teacher?
Stillness. Pure purple light of joy. No body. No I. Ahh beingness. It is so liberating.
The snow blows over the Field and the blue and purple waves dance in and out of the sky.
The enlightened ruling aliens of the universe are here, across the Ketamine Field, but you are not encountering them. At least not yet. You feel The Teacher coming.
The Teacher tells you, “Live love from presence, from now, from here. From a sense of joy, kindness, and love with spirit and enlightenment, and the rest of your purpose and destiny will fall into place.
“You may master the silence, the beingness, the stillness, the enlightenment, but there is no end to the mastery, for they go ever and ever more deeper. The truths and fulfillment of eternity is infinite. The world as you know it is birthed from the ground of being, from the still, ground of consciousness. It is limitless and expansive formlessness that becomes form. You, which are bits of that limitless formlessness, have temporarily taken form and attempt to imprison yourself in limitations by applying labels of sound and language on all that which arises. You then no longer see the arisen in the light of truth but as the labels and stories that are veiling your vision and clouding your unity, creating a false sense of separation from everything else. You are not separate from anything. Nothing is separate from anything. You try to make God something that is over there instead of all that is and right here, immanently. In your delusions, truth becomes almost inaccessible, the maze of stories and labels is the game you see as life. Then the forms die, pass away, becoming infinite formlessness again and the dance of eternity continues infinity. “
The two of you ride a wave to a cave. The cave is large and its ceiling is made of stars and galaxies. You can see turtles swimming in the stars and galaxies. It is all so beautiful. You rise. Fall. Rise. Fall. Breathe. In. Out.
You are whole. You are complete. Everything is as it is and that is okay, because everything is nothing but pure joy and beauty.
Back to Reality
The following 3 days are pretty rough. I am experiencing ketamine come down. I am not necessarily depressed, but groggy, foggy, irritable, exhausted. I don’t really want to see people. Simply, I want to Netflix and chill.
On the fourth day this cloud had dissipated and I feel like a human being again. A human being without depression. It’s amazing! I see my MD next week to discuss his thoughts on the treatment and titrating down my antidepressants.
Two Weeks After: 30 July 2018
At this point it has been two weeks since my ketamine treatments. I am feeling excellent! I haven’t had any encounters with depression and on a scale of 1- 10 (1 being low, 10 being high), I would consistently rate my happiness at an 8 to a 9 most days. I met with my MD today to tell him about how I have been doing. He was very impressed with the results and agreed that we would begin titrating my antidepressants down to (hopefully) a point where I am no longer on them.